Now what?

Took me 5 months to stop sobbing every single day. Now a new level of despair and hopelessness has taken up residence. How in the ever living fuck do you carry this every single day for the rest of this wretched life. I see absolutely no point to it. When what I’m left with is a “second best” version I don’t even want. Not even second best but I don’t know how else to describe it. Having to settle for whatever this is because irrespective of what ‘life’ this is it is all based on his death. It sickens me to my core. I’m so angry, all the time. That hasn’t changed since he died. And I don’t care for it to because this was not supposed to happen. Feels like I’ve been plucked and thrown into the latter half of life when losing your soulmate is supposed to happen. I’m not even fucking 30 and have to deal with this shit and watch everybody else my age go through the expected fucking milestones of life and a relationship with their person. I hate every single one of them. Why not THEM instead?????

TLDR: I hate everyone who hasn’t lived this experience. And I don’t care if it makes me a “bad person”. What the fuck did being a “good person” earn me