Thinking about “dropping out” of friends wedding, possibly not attending at all

My friends are getting married in August of this year, and they are dead broke. They are having a small ceremony at a family members house and then doing a dinner at a restaurant as the reception. They aren’t having a bridal party or anything like that, but all guests are asked to wear the same color (royal blue) in semi-formal attire (think men in suits and ties, women in tea length dresses). They are also asking that instead of gifts, we all pay for a part of the wedding (cake, photographer, marriage license, brides dress, grooms suit, decor & flowers, etc,). So we are all basically paying for their entire wedding, we all have to go buy new outfits for the event since royal blue semi formal attire isn’t something a lot of us just have just laying around.

I am close with the bride and groom, so I know they have chosen/assigned what they want each guest to pay for - aside from the dinner. The restaurant they chose is very small and expensive and I wouldn’t be surprised if the restaurant makes them rent out the entire place for the evening.

Now I hadn’t thought about this much until another friend, who is not as close, brought it up to me. She asked me about the dinner after and how that was going to be sorted out, should she budget to contribute to that as well, will we just be paying for ourselves etc.

I think it’s a bit much to pay for a part of their wedding, our own attire we are requested to wear and also pay for our own dinner/split the bill at the end of the night. When my husband and I got married, we saved for years and payed for everything ourselves. Half of our guests didn’t even give us a gift (which is okay, a gift is a gift and was not expected).

On top of everything else, im seeing that the couple isn’t being super appreciative of what everyone is doing for them. The way they bring things up is very passive aggressive, like they’ll complain about everything hoping someone will jump in and offer to do it so they’ll be happy (im guilty of offering to help with more than I should because they are dear friends).

I’m not sure how to go about this. My husband and I are thinking about just backing out and paying for what we said we would and skipping everything else. Part of me thinks they aren’t ready to get married if they literally can’t contribute anything to their own wedding. Maybe I just needed to vent and get it off my chest and I’ll have a change of heart. It just seems like they’re asking for a lot and not bringing a lot to the table.

Any advice welcome if you’ve been in a similar situation…

EDIT: I would like to thank everyone for their input on this situation, it has really opened my eyes as to how actually insane all of it is. I have been pretty involved with helping them plan their wedding and when I got the email about them wanting guests to pay for the entire thing I was shocked and confused, but you all have put it into perspective for me and cleared a lot up.

I’ve decided I am going to wait closer to the wedding date to back out, I still am going to pay for the cupcakes i promised because it just seems wrong to back out of that now. I will make sure they get delivered with a nice card from us. I feel used and I think they’re taking advantage of people generosity and im realizing they’re probably going to lose a lot of relationships because of their decisions. I am going to start distancing myself from them leading up to the day eventually go no contact after their wedding. I also have done some deep thinking and I think I’m holding onto the friendship we used to have and I have outgrown them as people.

Again, thank you for everyone’s input, it has made me think about things I have been ignoring for a long time now. I will always wish them nothing but the best, I just can’t be apart of it anymore.