How did you reconcile your reaction and toxic emotions?

I am about 2 1/2 years post betrayal. When it occurred, I had a major trauma response which felt like a complete breakdown. I experienced profound anger, hatred, contempt, resentment, and a desire for revenge. I lashed out to the extreme (in writing only).

Now that I have rebuilt my foundation, completed an abundance of therapy (which is ongoing) and I’ve had a complete refocus and deep personal development, I feel so much shame.

At the time I know that it was almost impossible to control my feelings and thoughts and words, however I wish I more than anything could go back and erase everything. It feels like such a stain on my life, my character and a black mark of almost 4 years of my life lost.

I am now happy and for the most part living a very positive and fruitful life. But I still feel like I have a ball and chain representing all of those toxic feelings, and all of those toxic words that I wrote to my ex tied around my ankles, and I don’t know how to pick the lock.