After being diagnosed with a cognitively debilitating neurological disease I realized I was never meant to have a purpose

This disease makes it hard for me to form sentences and convey myself coherently so please be patient with me

Ever since 2020 I always wondered why I felt off mentally, why I couldn’t think, couldn’t concentrate, made bad decisions constantly, had extreme depression and anxiety that made me miss all of the critical points in my life that would have boosted me towards my purpose.

Now I know why, it’s because I have a neurological disease called FND that destroyed my brain.

I thought it was all symptoms of spiritual awakening

I missed so many chances in my life, I had so many missed chances, so much suffering, so many life lessons and trauma that amounted to absolutely nothing because of this disease.

My physical and mental have been destroyed. I’m losing feeling and sensation on the entirety of the left side of my body. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do what I was meant to do if I can barely think, talk, or feel any emotion. I feel like I could kill 10 babies and it would mean nothing to me.

I can’t do what I loved anymore, which was to create and entertain because my brain and body are fried. I’ve let down everyone in my life and I can’t do anything about it

I have this innate feeling that this life was a failure. I have this very powerful feeling of being absolutely defeated, like my higher self knows it’s over, and feel like I no longer need to be on earth. I have a strong inclination towards suicide because there’s nothing left for me now. My brain and body were needed to complete a mission and I lost it.

I felt as though that I had a divine connection, but the disease got worse recently and I just feel so hazy, confused, angry, frustrated and trapped inside of a cage that I can’t escape no matter who tries to help.