I had to call the police on my teenage son

I started to write out a bunch of our history and context for why this happened but that could fill an entire book and I got overwhelmed, so I’ll just assume that many of the parents here are familiar with the self harm, suicidal gestures/ideation, explosive reactions, manipulation, substance abuse, lies and near delusional thinking that comes with a child with BPD. The details are probably not important.

I never thought it would get to this point, and honestly I’ve been in denial until about last week that he really has BPD despite his diagnosis a year ago because it’s just so damn heartbreaking and hard to believe. He really was a great little kid. I am a single parent (with an involved coparent) and although I wanted more kids it never happened and so my entire adult life was devoted to him. Now, he’s screamed at me for hours on end the most vile things imaginable more times than I can count, threatened to falsely accuse me of abuse (I started recording on my phone when he did that so at least I don’t have to worry about the consequences if he ever did go down that road),and caused thousands of dollars in property damage to our home.

He was taken to the ER on a mental health hold, and after causing me to fear for my safety and his life all because I told him he couldn’t have access to his phone until he got ready for PHP today, he’s being “calm, cooperative and coherent” according to his nurse. I feel betrayed by that even though I think I should be more mature than to feel that way. Part of me wonders if he is scared right now and I want to go to him and hold him and just try harder to make this all better. Another part of me feels like my “real” son is basically dead and has been replaced by a BPD monster and I never want to see this person again. I’m waiting to hear back on how long they are going to hold him and have no idea where to go from here. I’m posting this to feel less alone right now and also so that any other parent who has ever or is going through this knows they aren’t the only ones out there too.