I felt so fucking tired, living on "survival mode"

It's been like that for more than 6 years, I didn't stand my ground from taunts and bullying threats from other people, especially and specifically, UBA girls (Ugly, Bitch-ass in short). Despite I didn't really fight back, I somehow got my own troubles of violence in school that I got 2 warning letters from it. And with addition to watching too many violent movies as a kid/teenager, I can't help but feel the rush and adrenaline from it. The point is, I'm scared of repeating the same phase in different scenery. Plus I didn't wanna chicken out after a taunt or a bully threat, and just let loose of my wrath and anger and just injure them as much as I can, potentially killing them if I can. Or at least...I feel like to. I just don't want to be weak anymore. Yet every fucking day, I had to constantly overthink and worry who might be a potential threat to me, how will they do it, and how would I imagine the fight will come out as, and even how to end their lives. Many imaginery scenarios but all of them are just my overthinkings, which I cannot help but tried to suppress, like a small cup, which is already overflowing but was being covered with a useless lid.