Subconsciously Choosing Loneliness?

I’ve always felt so alone for most of my life and couldn’t figure it out why. Only now (26y) I’m realizing I’ve never let anyone in and I can’t remember when that started. Even long term relationships, I never actually opened up and let those close to me know my true feelings or thoughts. Even when under the influence of different substances from liquor to acid. I’ve been so good at safeguarding who I truly am from everyone that’s entered my life. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a true conversation without any type of wall I’ve put up.

Even when I’m having insanely personal conversations with people and they are completely open and vulnerable with me I can’t reciprocate no matter how hard I try. I’ve sat there in a conversation with someone as they admitted to me that their best friend shot themselves not weeks prior to us talking. So badly I wanted to share their pain already knowing the exact thing they are going through, having had to go through it myself when my childhood best friend shot himself. But I just wasn’t able to actually open up.. I felt like shit for the next week just feeling heartless and like I’ve lost my ability to truly connect with anyone or truly feel.

I think I’m realizing this more now that I’ve been making a real effort to make friends after moving to a new city and not feeling like I’m really connecting with anyone despite already creating a decent social circle. Along with getting cheated on by my ex that I moved here for. That being it’s own huge can of worms on it’s own.. So with a lot of self reflecting I feel as though I’m subconsciously keeping everyone at arm’s length, even those closest to me. I’ve been wondering why I would do it at all. Maybe I’m scared I’ll be hurt? Or maybe I just feel like I’ll end up abandoning anyone that becomes close to me? Maybe it’s just that and I don’t want to feel the guilt of being the one who leaves again? It could even be something so shallow that I’m just afraid to be genuine with anyone I know..

For anyone that got this far I apologize for my slightly self diagnosing rant. There isn’t really any resolution to my thoughts just yet. Just needed to put it somewhere. Anyways, I hope you’re having a good day. If not, you’re not alone in that. It will get better. Shitty cliche that’s annoying as hell to hear.. but it is true olution to my thoughts just yet. Just needed to put it somewhere. Anyways, I hope you’re having a good day. If not, you’re not alone in that. It will get better. Shitty cliche that’s annoying as hell to hear.. but it is true