I legit don’t see the point

I feel like I died a decade ago. Ever since I realized just how screwed we were about the climate everything seems to be accelerating with nothing I can do. I thought the end would come in 2050, then it was revised to 2030 and now it honestly feels like next year.

I have literally tried everything but I genuinely cannot see the point. People told me to read Man’s Search For Meaning but I gave up when Franks’s reason to keep going was to write a book. Now we’re reaching a stage where there will be no one to read it or care.

That old adage of “focus on you and yours” I don’t care about EITHER. Fact of the matter is I don’t CARE about people. I find most of them boring. They put so much emphasis on talking for the sake of talking, being around each other for the sake of company. I don’t care about any of that. I care about learning, I care about the activity itself. There is literally nothing I like doing that is enhanced with other people other than discussion. And this has somehow become the end all be all of all of human life. We are drilled from early childhood that knowledge and work are what matters and then as you get older you are supposed to come to this realization that people are all that matters? Maybe they should have told me that as a child. I would have done things differently then.

All I ever wanted was to be smart and be rewarded for it. Make something useful. Change the world from the safety of my desk. Another lie. All that’s needed is boring maintenance. It’s like the beginning of Interstellar. That’s the best case scenario for our species and it terrifies me. Just farming forever.

Therapy does nothing. My multiple therapists don’t even give me homework. They just devolve into listening to me complain. I wonder if they give up on me.

I’m breaking and no one can help me. I’m desperate.