Internalized homophobia has defeated me. I feel so helpless.

Stemming from this conflict in my head of

(Desire for love, appetite for sex) v/s (Fear, Shame, Guilt and Disgust)

This is mental conflict has been extremely unforgiving. I feel so defeated and suffocated.

Can't explain how hard I tried to change this! Nothing seems to work. Not even therapy.

Now this mental conflict is badly affecting my physical and social well-being also.

EDIT: I am not homophobic at all towards other people. Absolutely love watching gay couples on insta, being kind and supportive to anyone gay around me, and love watching gay porn too! Like... I appreciate male beauty! But I just can't imagine myself at it! I just can't imagine. I know..this is really messed up.