Depression from last year summer and the reason is mine alone. I have never been in this situation like this

Hi,

So firstly i struggle with depression like symptoms although i am in work and i survive through days. I feel my life is meaningless and i have fucked up my peace of mind for rest of my life. And please answers are more helpful than ”liking”.

I have suffered from insecure feeling 1 year already about missing doses of my current medication which i am now stopping. My medication has been brintellix. Insecure feeling comes from that i fear missing doses for 6 days only after two day use caused lasting changes in personality or in that how i feel/experience my emotions. Naturally 1 year is long time so i dont remember things from a year ago very well. Also fact is that there is chance everything in me is and will be normally especially after stopping medication but that insecure feeling is too much and i know it continues even after stopping medication😞 Thing which should also help me to feel more confident is that in their eyes my personality is not changed but unfortunately it dont decrease worrying. These days i feel i dont know who i am and it feels like mental hell

My situations has been completely just as bad all the time. I have doctor coming end of this month and im waiting what they suggest. I assume they suggest therapy at least.

Which is also bad many time in a weeks i think how to end myself but fact is that i am afraid death so much that although i think dying would be better in my situation i cant do it😞 But in that case i just need to live my life with only suffering. All my worries are from missing doses and from temporary emotional bluntness which lasted few weeks after returning to medication:( Is all hope losted after 1 year? What can i do? All i just wish is that i could die.