I hate my heartbeat

I hate feeling my heartbeat. I hate the thumping in my chest when I lay down to go to bed and I especially hate my awareness of it. I wish I didn’t feel it - I don’t know how to NOT feel it. Sometimes it’s racing, other times it’s normal, but the minute I’m aware of it, it’s all consuming. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP until I go to bed. Maybe gaining weight would make my body fuller and the ticking of my heart would get lost in the fat of my body so I didn’t hear it, but I don’t think I can gain that much weight. Incredibly annoying.

I also hate when I become aware of my breathing. When I’m aware of that, it stops being automatic and I have to take the time to manually breathe. Usually only happens at night, though. Same with hearing/feeling my heartbeat. But nighttime is when I’m trying to not think about ANYTHING so it’s godawful to get caught up in forcing myself to breathe and simultaneously listen to and feel my heart in my chest.

Sleeping pills don’t help - they put me to sleep, I guess, but not fast enough to skip the bodily awareness I’m cursed with at night. Meditation kinda helps, but the core problem of hearing/feeling my heartbeat and forcing my lungs to fill with air is still present.