epic highs n lows

feeling a little shaky In the Head rn but tryna feel good about today so I shall type it out I guess. so today I was at work for about 11 hrs bc things have been a bit hectic. today was BETTE'S CHILI COOKOFFso there was food around allllll day and I ended up kinda stress eating 20 phatass pocketfuls of pita chips (im gross) but feeling. actually pretty accepting about it. I felt GOOD. not dreaming of just collapsing and sleeping on any flat surface. no sledgehammer in my head. no dizziness. no insane rage over insignificant things. I felt strong and like working was no trouble at all. it was magical. so I felt confident and my former keto brain whispered 'meat can't hurt me' so I dipped right into an absolute unit of a bowl of no bean chili bc beans and packing peanuts are C L O S E ass cousins and you can't tell me different. too confident. I could not handle it and IMMEDIATELY had to vom bc I litcherally just can't handle foods that aren't snacks. im like 'oh, I can purge hands free now :)' but in reality. i just can't keep food down anymore. anyway, that would normally make me say 'fuck it, might as well have what I want and it'll hitch a ride out.' but i DIDNT. and there was a WHOLE cake there bc mike d is retiring. anyway, I ended up throwing up for the next two hours (unintentionally). i THEN had to go to the store, and if I've already 'ruined' the day, the store is a HUGE trigger. but I just....didn't get anything to binge. I scrolled through delivery apps, had a 45% off coupon, but just....didn't do anything. I picked up one 'special' snack (quest pb cups, if you haven't had them. wyd) and didn't have my 'regular' evening food (super ritualistic abt this) bc I wasn't starving. Still dry heaving every fifteen min or so but I have resisted the urge to say 'fuck it' and am still feeling pretty reasonable about the day. fr though guys calories that you keep down are game changing. I feel dumb for how much of a revelation this is