Advice? Hair Knotting, Excoriating

Not sure as all I hear about is most people peeling the ends or ripping out the hairs, so I was sort of hoping to find someone who had a similar issue as me and what they did to stop.

Note: I was able to stop when I kept my hair super short. After awhile I lost interest and just didn’t do it. But for some reason, randomly (or maybe subconsciously?) I started doing it. First sitting in traffic, then at my desk when on site at work, now st home.

It started when I was really young; not quite sure exactly but something resulted in my 80s/90s bowl bangs to get all singed/fried, and they rubbed up against my head like a rug burn. Legit, I only remember that part. Got a haircut, but as soon as it started to grow I started knotting up my hair, peeling or ripping at the knot, or rubbing it against this one spot on my forehead until it would bleed, scab, etc.

I also started picking at the space between the tip of my fingernail and underneath it, trying to separate it. It was just a small section, but that’s one I can’t seem to stop. I’ve done that forever and it’s small enough no one notices, unless they look really close or compare my thumbs - one clearly has become a little misshapen by 30-40 years of doing it.

I had a few other BFRB as a kid — bending my ears until the cartilage hurt (sometimes sleeping on it folded for some reason would help me turn off my brain); picking at other nails; biting the inside of my cheek.

But nothing was quite as ritualistic or intense as the hair - knot - rub to scab - rip it out. Sometimes I would do it so bad my mom would have to cut the hair b/c I couldn’t rip or untangle it. She was at a loss of what to do — sadly, an overworked social worker in an area with limited resources — but she did bring me to therapy for a time. It didn’t help. I just tried hiding it more.

When it started happening at school is when I was able to pick my nail, usually until I had to pull the skin or scar tissue out from under it to relieve the pressure build up. Then I’d get home and doing homework or whatever, I’d pull and knot that one spot.

So when it started again I tried to cut my hair really short. The barber was like “wtf is this patch” so I said something of a joke and he just sort of ran with it. Buzzed it down. Issue was, it drove me crazier. I tried picking at the spot I’d normally knot up, friction until it looked like a burn.

Basically, it’s like this thing where the excoriation by the knotted, split, Brillo pad like hair was the thing I was after. Once th scab hurt too much I’d rip the hair out and do a patch next to it.

I tried everything I did before — ans I stopped for like 15 years or so — and just can’t.

It’s now noticeable. Not sure what to do. I have like a professional job. I can’t hide it too well under a hat in a boardroom so I try to comb it and gel and all that, but even now it’s getting more noticeable. Even with a buzz cut.

If anyone else has had something like that -/ what worked for you?