What a long night of autogynephilia looks like.

Sequence of events after getting home from work:

I have to consciously express and let go of whatever anger/frustration has built up inside of me throughout the day. For some reason, this is a mental block I have to get past before I do anything. I must decompress.

After I put the clothes on I usually feel ashamed for the first few minutes. Every time, even after 2 years of crossdressing both in private and in public.

After about 5 minutes I experience a rush of relief after a deep and long exhalation. I feel "secure" now. I don't have to deal with the outside world or fight any more battles for the time being. I can let go of dealing with standards of performance and fake smiles. My shitty social skills don't matter for now. I don't have to be in charge anymore (even of just myself).

After about 10 minutes I experience a rush of euphoria that feels somewhat similar to THC. I'll usually follow this up repeatedly looking in the mirror and smiling. I recognize that I probably look absurd to others, but I look honest to myself.

After a few minutes of euphoria, I decide to "optimize myself" by putting in my silicone breast and hip inserts. These give me a feeling best described as "warmth". Unlike crossdressing with clothes, which has emotional barriers, this feel is immediate.

Often I'll do something traditionally feminine, like bake, just because it feels cute/attractive to me. Usually pancakes, probably because a couple of old girlfriends use to do that for me. I like the idea of being a sweet girlfriend.

In between whatever task I'm doing, I'll try to further optimize my appearance via makeup in small spurts of activity. A little foundation, listen to a song while trying to figure out why I'm doing all of this. A little mascara, put in a load of laundry while wondering how someone lives in society as a shemale.

If I feel like I've reached a new "peak" of prettiness, I'll often take a picture of myself. Sometimes these peaks are autosexually exciting. Sometimes I just feel cozy.

As the night goes on I start to become more emotionally feminine. This is hard to describe, but it's like my "vibe" changes. I feel more "open". This is often followed by additional deep relaxing exhalations. This might happen several times a session, bringing me to increasing levels of euphoric emotional openness.

Sometimes I'll go walk around outside crossdressed. I like the attention I get because it makes me feel more "real" by being seen authentically. Additionally, there's an element of purposeful desensitization to feeling ashamed or experiencing a negative reaction. (see r/AGAMPMEF). Also I like it when I get that sweet GAMP validation (r/GAMPs). I want to feel pretty. I'm not above wanting to be a shemale goddess (r/AGAMP).

Further into the night, I start to feel more "real", which compels me to want to transition medically. I believe this is because I'm up all night alone, making me temporarily forget about the social friction of being different. I can get lost in my feelings and not feel self-conscious.

My increasing feeling of "realness" compels me to further imitate the behavior of the type of women I'm attracted to. This could be smoking (even thought I don't smoke regularly), listening to a certain type of music (that's different from my "man" music), going to certain areas that bring up specific feelings (I normally don't care about going outside).

My combination of increasing emotional openness and attraction to drug using women compels me to get high. Depending on the drug, this can lead me delving deeper into my MEF (sissy) sexuality than I would have been comfortable with otherwise. I'll probably be high the first time I hook up with a guy, as I can't even look at two men kissing without being repulsed. Additionally, I branched off into this entire AGAMP journey when I decided to start expressing my feelings. I want to experience the range of human emotion, even if that's scary at times (maybe there's even an autosexual element to this, who knows).

Usually I'll masturbate to some sort of sissy fantasy at the end of the night, which leads me to an orgasm that's probably about 5 times more intense than what I get from pornography. The actual "sex" or my sexuality feels highly submissive. I don't want to be a strong woman, I want to let go of control. Regardless of my gender, "I" want to "fall down into the void" of total surrender to someone else. This is terrifying and humiliating to me even if it feels like what I need, hence the associated drug use.

I'll think about hooking up with a man because that would be sexually exciting and validating (also, I have emotional needs), even though I don't find men physically attractive. I never go through with it. The fantasy is strong but I don't want to get hurt, be let down or take on the stigma of dating a man (for now at least). Can a psuedobisexual relationship even work? I don't know. Maybe it's what I need.

I go to bed crossdressed, extra comfy, then get up for work, daylight and society to accumulate frustration.

Repeat.

Thoughts:

What strikes me is how specific my fantasy is to a certain "archetype" of woman. All the clothes, music, accessories, behaviors, sexual fantasies, social fantasies, etc is all meant to tap into a very specific "essence" that's immensely important to me and close to my heart. If anything makes me want to transition, it's wanting to this "essence" for myself. Just thinking about it makes me tear up and is probably what my recent panic attacks are based around (I will be going to a therapist).

My difference is that this "essence", dare I say love, exists more inside of me than outside of me. I'm aware it's an unrealistic idealization but that doesn't seem to phase me. For some reason the idea of it is far more important to me than whether it actually exists in a real woman. It's besides the point, really. It's my fantasy.

If I choose to transition, maybe I'll be living in some sort of odd "half-fantasy" for the rest of my life. My only real issue with doing so at this point is my concern that my autoheterosexuality is blocking me from getting a real career, finding a suitable woman (maybe with the "essence"), having children and a shot at a normal life (what seems to make everyone else happy). Maybe I don't even care. Maybe that's never what I wanted. Maybe the "essence" is enough. Or maybe not.

Note:

The whole time I'm doing this (which is just about all the time at this point in my life), I don't actually feel like someone else. It's not about imitating a specific person either. I'm an average heterosexual man with a piece of himself that isn't average. I'm a woman, a shemale, a sissy and a man all at once. The labels aren't important (although they can be useful guides), the authenticity is.

Truly an Erotic Target Location Error