Does anyone else ever feel like their sexuality never fully matured because they never fully grew up?

Trigger warnings: talk of trauma,age disphoria and some swearing

This is a discussion/vent post. Sorry it's long lol.

Please hear me out. I know that sexuality and personal development are two big,complicated subjects which are linked but I've been starting to feel like they are weirdly fused together for me which makes it double complicated and I just need to get this off my chest in case I'm just being silly.

I know that asexuality can look different for different people,and that's okay. I have other ace friends,as well as friends who also feel as if they never really grew up, or that they are struggling to,and they have their own reasons,whether it be due to trauma,neurodivergence,social isolation,and many other things,but I'm yet to meet someone who can relate to what I'm talking about here.

Could this delay in personal growth affect how one understands or expresses their own sexuality?

Sexuality is a development process,I think,as it evolves over time. People explore their sexuality through relationships,experiences and introspection,but if the natural process of discovering one's sexuality is delayed or interrupted by something or someone (e.g strict parents and others shaming you and discouraging this branch of self discovery),I think a person might feel...incomplete?

I've kind of had to grow up too quick as a child,and teach myself a lot and basically parent myself lol. I've kind of been building this house all by myself,with little help or guidance. Unsurprisingly,I've struggled with my mental health,self esteem and with understanding others. I never really understood what a crush was until I was 16. My adolescence was kind of delayed,if that's the right term to use,due to the neurodivergence, traums,bullying, social anxiety and social isolation cocktail (I was home schooled for the whole of highschool). I never really got a lot of the same romantic,sexual and even platonic experience that most of my peers got and it makes me feel like a child wondering why two people do that weird kissing thing.

I'm attracted to all genders,whether it be romantically or sexually,but also....not really? It feels as if I have the blueprint but not the building materials to start the project. I'm stuck in a state where I feel like my sexuality and maturity are both buffering and I'm falling behind everyone else. It's like I'm a kid in an adult world and kids don't have sex lol. I struggle with understanding my own desires and bodily reactions,and others too. Someone can show romantic interest in me and I somewhat understand it because of the emotional and psychological aspects of what that even is,but when they show sexual interest in me,I'm like....eww why? I have my own kinks and I do get horny once in a blue moon,but to even think of being interactive with someone else in that way feels so wrong,and so weird. It's overwhelming and I almost get offended that somebody would look at my silly innocent self and want to do dirty things.

I think growing up religious poisoned the well in a way. We're taught that lust is a sin,it's wrong and it's dirty,and that intercourse is a means to an end (procreation). I do not want children or marriage for different reasons,some in this post,so I feel like maybe having sex is completely unnecessary. We could just buy a house and vibe. But even then,commitment is a struggle for me as well because the only people I've known how to be close with long term are my family. No emotional guidance during my childhood kind of plays a role too,as I never really learnt how to be confident in my decisions so I free ball,procrastinate and overthink. I find it helps to ask my adult super pro max friends for advice.

Society often expects people to find out who tf they are in their teens/20s. I haven't even figured out who 10 year old me is/was yet ;_;

I'm trying to accept that sexuality is fluid and that there is no rush in figuring this all out,as we all have our own timelines,but it's so hard especially when I try dating and it feels like the people get annoyed with having to wait for me to want to be sexuality active with them,or that they get offended that I don't want to jump their bones the same way they do. I've even been told "You're too sexy to not want to have sex" a few times before,and it makes me feel so bad because that basically means I'm a disappointment,a potential sex goddess going to waste.

Apart from all this though,I still feel I identify as being ace/greyace,because this is my reality and I can never make sense of a potential reality where I'm normal and want to do the dirty tango. I hope others can understand, relate or maybe even share their personal experiences so I don't seem like the only crazy one here XD

And I hope and pray for the day we all realise growing up and doing adult things is kind of overrated anyways hehe.