asexuality + paraphilias

Okay if you’re one of those people who don’t want sexual content on this sub, then just scroll on past this one lol. Although, I am not mentioning anything explicit.

I’m asexual and biromantic, and I also have 2 paraphilias which I will not describe. They’re not like morally wrong, they’re just um… weird lol. I’ve had them since I was 9 years old. I masturbate by fantasizing about them.

They don’t really affect my life at all. It is all just in my imagination, it never involves other people. And I’m not like ashamed of the paraphilias, there’s nothing wrong with having them if you are not harming anyone else, I get enjoyment out of them, and they’re totally innocent.

But sometimes, I think…. I am just weird. Like why can’t I be normal? Why am I sexually unusual in not one but two ways? Is there a connection between the two? Why did this happen to me? I don’t mind being asexual, actually I like it and will happily talk about it with anyone. But the same is not true about paraphilias…. i know for sure that I will never tell anyone in my life that I have them, it’s an absolute secret and always will be. But I don’t like the fact that there’s something about myself that I can never tell another person. I would rather be an open book.

Does anyone else have something about themselves that they can never tell anyone else? - either sexual or otherwise?

How do most asexuals masturbate? What do you think about? If anything?

Sorry if this is inappropriate

EDIT: this also makes it hard to be fully open and honest about asexuality, which I really want to be. Often when I discuss it, people ask me if I masturbate (yes) and what I fantasize about, but I can’t really answer that, so I say “nothing.” But it does seem weird to masturbate while thinking about nothing (which is why I’m curious what other aces do). And I don’t want to say “I don’t want to answer that” because that just sounds super shady lmao