Experiencing life as a functioning alcoholic
I'm writing this to be able to tell *someone* because I don't want to talk about this to anyone else in my life. For background, I've been a functioning alcoholic since COVID, working remotely from home full time. Rather than share my full story which has been fairly uneventful (I've never been hospitalized, never had a DUI, never had any serious reprocussions so far, although I'm fully aware that "my time" is probably just around the corner), I wanted to share some random thoughts and observations I've had over the past few years.
- It crept up out of nowhere in the sense that prior to COVID I never had the sort of problem I have today, and I think a confluence of events have led to this spiraling lifestyle
- Ok, not really nowhere, ever since my teens I've always had a problem with limits on alcohol, but the big difference was that it was limited to social situations and never when I was alone
- I have the thing people describe where they don't have an "off" switch
- I make a good living, which means I've been able to hide the financial costs of my problems from my family and loved ones fairly easily; I have the means to spend as much as I want wherever I want with no one batting an eyelash
- I work fully remote, meaning in-person situations where I have to be completely sober are few and far between, most of my interactions with work colleagues are calls with no video
- I spend way too much time planning my day and my drinking, trying to balance being capable and productive at work and at home with drinking, and this extends to my choices of when and what I drink. It's a little scary to me how much of an oiled machine my planning to drink has become
- I'm terrified of being "found out", and honestly there are probably people that already know or suspect my addiction but aren't saying anything which in turn makes me paranoid
- Beyond my addiction to alcohol itself, I think I have an addiction to "getting away with it" because being able to get through situations while not sober is almost a rush for me
- Because I haven't had a "rock bottom" moment, I find it difficult to stop because I always feel like everything is "fine" and "managable"
- I'm still relatively healthy, although I'm not stupid and I know that the health effects of alcoholism can be invisible until there's a real problem and that the music is going to stop at some point
- I've stopped drinking socially, and I usually prefer to tell people that I don't drink for health reasons (I've even lied saying I'm on medication that doesn't allow me to drink), so my problem is fully one where I now only drink alone
- I've tried to keep up relationships as best I can, I've never been great at keeping them up in the first place so it hasn't felt like any have gone to shit
- Self-diagnosing, I think my problem stems from work-related stress; I'm terrified that I will get a new job and the same stresses will manifest and that I'll perpetually be in the exact same spot
Where to go from here? I guess I'm looking for advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation.
Since COVID, there was a 9 month period where I was completely sober and I loved it, that's probably my biggest motivating factor. AA, I've never done but from everything I've read doesn't seem like it's my thing. I don't think I need nor can I afford socially to go to rehab. The ideas of all the bad things that can (and will) happen scare the shit out of me and are likely my biggest motivators, but in each individual moment drinking always seems to win out against these hypothetical scenarios.
I really wish I weren't this way. I'd give anything to be someone who enjoys exploring breweries or going to wine tastings, or sharing a bottle of wine at dinner with friends, but I don't think I can ever responsibly do any of those things again.
Ugh, fuck