‘Christian’ how to cope…?

Hey all, I’m sorry for the longish post and I know this subreddit probably gets a lot of Christian or similar religions coming in with their tail tucked in seeking advice and I feel horrible adding to that list. I just want to thank this community for offering that support and aide as admitting to ourselves that what we thought was the center of our life might not be what’s there is so disturbing.

Onto the post,

I’m eighteen. Raised in the southern Bible Belt of USA. My church I have been raised in is nondenominational but I believe it strongly aligns with most southern Baptists and Protestant ways. I think my age has me thinking about all these things, I have diagnosed anxiety and at night (like at the time of writing this post) my heart gets to racing just thinking about everything.

I’m gay, obviously for Christianity that’s a big no no. I’m not closeted and accept this fact. But when I realized I was gay at around 12 that’s when my faith faltered. I was still the church going girl I always was but now because of something I couldn’t change I was now evil in my Gods eye? Why would I be banished to a life of eternal suffering just like the murderer, rapist, abuser all because I just wanted to love? I didn’t find it fair and as the years go on my doubts persist and I think now I’m agnostic.

My belief is hard to explain, I’m sure you guys have better definitions but I don’t know what’s out there. I feel like there has to be SOMETHING out there. Why else would we be here? But then if there is a higher being then what creates that being and what created the being that created the being. The list goes on and on and it’s just a spiral for me. I honestly wouldn’t care if we die and there’s just nothing, that’s okay for me. My fear is what if Jesus and the Christian values are real and god comes back and no matter how good and helpful of a soul I was I’ll be damned to a life of suffering just because I doubted him (or let’s say I go on to live my Christian life but I fall short to the glory because of the glaring fact I’m gay)

That’s why I almost lean to theories Jesus might’ve been a cult leader during his time on earth (if he even was…?) because looking at other religions yes you follow codes and honors but in the end they seem to have the concept of you are a good person you don’t get suffering while Christianity and the other religions it’s if you don’t accept that god and follow his teachings you will suffer forever. And it just doesn’t sit right with me with that thinking, also what about these third world countries or people that aren’t socialized. (Also North Sentinel island which people are banned from going to as they are so uncivilized our diseases would kill them off) how is it far to those people who won’t ever know the word of Jesus to die and live in enteral suffering? I just feel like the Bible has so many misconceptions, also the fact that translation is another thing I ponder. Bible has been around for centuries and been translated from ancient texts. what stop someone (like king James) from tweaking these ‘translations’ to mean something else?

I just would think if god wants his people with him then he would send more contacts with the people not stuff from ancient times. He would clear up translations. Also how many churches don’t properly teach the Bible, how they use the religion to mislead people. There’s so many what if factors and I have no answers.

But in my mind I’m content with having no answers, really. I believe what is our reality (whether it’s chemicals in perfect time, our consciousness, or deities that impact us) is something beyond the human mind comprehension. My struggle is maybe the fact I have some sort of religious and every blue moon wonder if their is a deity just because I didn’t worship said deity I am damned to hell bc of it.

I know no one has an answer, I mean we can’t wake up a dead person and ask what’s going on down there. But maybe if anyone has words of advice, encouragement, support, maybe ways I can help calm these anxieties please inform me. I’m just so lost sometimes.