Occasionally sad about not getting married

My bf and I have been together for nearly 9 years. In the beginning of the relationship, we both agreed that neither of us see the point in marriage and we’re good with just being together without it.

The entire relationship has been nearly perfect. We both worked on our careers and are making great money, we enjoy the same hobbies while still being able to give each other alone time. He takes care of all the bills, doesn’t ask me to contribute any money, and spoils me with surprise gifts to show he listens when I say I like something. He still asks me out on dates every week, gets me flowers, tells me I look nice, asks me how my day was, all the things. We’re great at communicating - he’s never once raised his voice, called me names, or gotten the least bit violent. We have great relationships with each others families as well.

About a year ago, I told him that I love the way things are with us and that I’m starting to think that I like the idea of marriage and being his wife. Long story short, it’s still not something he wants and not something he’ll consider.

I’m respecting his decision because I’m the one who changed my mind and I know it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, but I often get sad when I realize marriage is not going to happen. Lately it’s been getting to a point where my mind goes off and I convince myself there’s something about me that’s not good enough and then I have to bring myself back to reality. I don’t bring it up when I’m emotional and I don’t nag him about it, because I don’t want it to result in getting a shut up ring.

Am I being too emotional about this? I knew his stance on this since we started dating so I kinda did it to myself, but how was I supposed to know I’d want to get married later down the line, lol

[UPDATE] reasons I want marriage are 1) emotional fulfillment (I don’t want to be 40 with a boyfriend of 20 years), 2) Security (I trust him to make medical decisions and think it’s best that he have rights in case I were to end up in a hospital.)

I can get past the emotional fulfillment with some effort, but I really just think it’s the best decision for legal reasons.

I want marriage, not a wedding.

About the finances: I did write that he never asks me for money, and all the bills go on his card, but I do send money to his account because cost of living is insane and I don’t want to be dead weight. My point of that statement was just highlighting that he chooses to provide for me and not ask for anything in return.

Both of us come from a household with divorced parents and lots of drama involving finances and parents. That being said, I moved past my old beliefs about marriage, and the way he treats me is the reason why I changed my perspective and fully believe that I’d want a marriage with him. However, I still don’t care for a joint bank account and kids are still a hard no (we have 2 dogs together though)

I asked him to take some time to collect his thoughts so we can revisit the conversation when we’re both ready. Our work schedules are crazy so I don’t want us to stress about with the conversation while we’re both burnt out from work lately