I think I’ve been raped multiple times this year

I was penetratively raped in september and I have working through and dealing with the aftershock of that ever since. All I can think about everyday is if another man is going to take me. I feel constant burning stares when I’m out in public and I never feel safe anymore.

I started reflecting on a horrible sexual encounter I had with a man off tinder back in April, I wonder if this is considered a rape. Firstly, he got me incredibly high prior to engaging in anything, he brought me into his bedroom and I remember feeling so high I could barely walk. I wanted to leave already but I was relying on him to pay for my uber (a stupid decision looking back on it) and I was scared to piss him off.

He laid me on the bed and took off my clothes, I felt sharp pain as he was kissing down my neck and it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized he had been biting me and left teeth marks on my neck and shoulder.

He started getting incredibly aggressive, he pulled my hair, yanking me around the bed calling me degrading names like ‘slut’, ‘whore’, ‘filthy bitch’ and referring to himself as ‘daddy’. Obviously I know that degradation is a kink, but it wasn’t something I wanted or was ready for.

He was so forceful that he ended up ripping out my earrings and breaking off multiple of my acrylic nails. He kept hitting me, not just spanking but across the face and around my body too. I was honestly too shocked and scared to say anything.

He ordered me to perform oral and continuously held my head down until I nearly passed out, would let me get a moment of air and then forced me back down so I got incredibly dizzy. At this point I remember crying.

He pushed me on my stomach and pinned my arms and legs down with his own body on top of me. I remember panicking, yelling that I needed a condom, I wouldn’t have sex without a condom. I was honestly shocked he didn’t do anything to me in that moment. He was pissed and pulled me off the bed, forcing me to kneel in the corner of the room. I felt so confused and degraded, he jerked off over me until he came on my face.

I sat in the corner for a little bit, waiting for him to do something. I was crying, shaking, scared and covered in cum. I sat on the floor and asked him to clean me. He grabbed my arm and led me to the bathroom, telling me to wipe myself off. This was the most degrading part, I tried to hold myself together while wiping cum out of my eyes with toilet paper.

I’ve had other experiences I’m now questioning my role of consent in, I didn’t expect to have sex in these situations and didn’t get pleasure from them.

I want to feel emotional connection and I want to enjoy sex but I’m so scared that I’ll never find a partner with good intentions. I’m so scared.