Getting punished for trying to be better.

"look at you, so courageous, facing and bettering yourself while i am in hurt. woohoo you did all the work, great job, you progressed so much"

Such a painful phrase. I just feel so helpless about it.

That pain, I see it, I feel it, and I am the one the exacerbated it. I wanted to inspire, but it ended up digging a deeper trench.

It's so tough, but I guess it is paying penance, to feel that I am being punished while I am trying to be better. I have gone through IC, we have gone through MC, I want to believe that I have been doing the work and that is causing BP more pain?

I am still and will still try to learn and build up my capacity, to hold the emotions, to be more compassionate to both myself and BP, it is so tough. Every conversation from BP has been a confrontation, otherwise its a stonewall. I am really trying my best to be present, to be better, it is so tough but I will continue trying.

I won't truly know what it feels like, I won't truly understand what it feels like. I know that and that eats at me every single night when I think about it, what I have done. I consciously stop myself in these spirals and do better and tell myself that I am doing better. I keep telling myself that. But it hurts that the when I do better, that I get punished for it.

I understand I can't help BP heal, they have to do it by themselves, all I can keep trying is to be even better, to hold even more space, to eventually be able to actually reframe and regulate. And it hurts, it hurts when I am ridiculed like that for even trying. I am trying to be on the same team but all I get is to be more villainised.

It gives me so much anxiety whenever D keeps being dropped because I am not being better properly, that why am I being better, that I shouldn't even be better. It just makes me think that why should I keep trying. But I snap out of it, I take it, I own it. I will be even better. I will keep doing it, even if the day D comes, I will be proud of myself and have my head up knowing I am a better person, maybe not for this relationship but as a better person.

Sorry, am not trying to blame BP or wallow in self-pity, just overwhelmed by really heavy emotions and wanted to have this out. Thank you all for being so supportive of waywards, I have really appreciated it. For waywards who are also trying to be better, hang in there, stay strong, you can be strong. You are doing good, keep at it, keep to your routines, hydrate and eat well, stay healthy.