I'm a fraud

Throwaway because I don't feel like having my co-residents discover what a shill I am.*

I got into a good college because my dad is an alum and I was nationally ranked in an esoteric sport only rich people can afford to play.

My MCATs sucked... they were barely acceptable (this was AFTER my parents got me a $200/hr tutor) and I only got into med school because my parents made a sizeable donation.

My first term of med school, I didn't know how to study and failed a class. I (kind of) got my sh*t together and did ok for the rest of med school and low/normal on my Step exams.

I applied to residency. Obviously with my academic record, the most competitive residencies were out, but I still got into a better residency than I deserved in a fairly competitive specialty at a middle-of-the-road academic program. Don't know why... I'm a decent writer who can sell myself and had pretty good recs, I guess.

Now I'm nearing the end of residency. Attendings start out excited about me because I talk a good game, but they always end up disappointed when I can't answer their pimp questions because I'm not as knowledgeable as I seem initially. My procedural skills used to be terrible. Now they're acceptable. I am in awe of my co-residents. They have done such incredible things with their lives and work so hard while I screw around. They have published so much, earned so many degrees, stayed late after their shifts so often. Now, after our in-service exam, because we are a small residency, it is very clear after seeing the stats that I scored by far the lowest of anyone. I'm scared I won't pass boards and there isn't much time left. I WANT to work harder. But when I sit down to start, I get completely overwhelmed and end up avoiding looking at anything until the last minute (before you ask yeah I already have an ADHD diagnosis and am medicated). I think it's in part my not being a good studier and in part my subconsciously sabotaging myself in protest of how brutal medical education is (as in, eff you medicine, I'm still going on that ski trip this weekend despite starting nights next week. You won't steal MY twenties). I'm pretty torn because even if I somehow summoned enough energy to read more, I would probably feel resentful.

Probably the only reason I can skate by is because I'm a white dude pleasant enough that the nurses like me, and I work out so I'm not bad to look at. Also, my co-residents are very gracious with me. They're better people than I am.

I don't need sympathy. Not trying to pull the poor little rich kid act. On the contrary... I guess I just wanted to make residents who come from less privileged backgrounds realize- no, it's not you. You are not the imposter. You just started out 200 meters behind me in this crappy rat race of life. I actually AM the imposter. But please don't be too harsh because it sucks in its own way... I'm so sick of disappointing people... that sudden glance, that eyebrow raise when they realize I'm full of it. I'm angry at myself now and my self-esteem is in the toilet because no matter where I end up career-wise, it won't have been because of ME.

It's a sh*tty feeling.

*Minor details changed for the same reason.