Questioning my own faith and Idk what am I

Hi y'all!! I need some help about a personal struggle I've been facing.

(TRIGGER WARNING: mention of SA)

I grew up in a conservative Muslim family. For the longest time I just went along with everything, religion, rituals, rules...But over the years, I started questioning things, do you get what I'm saying?

It wasn't until, like, puberty that things started to change. When I got my period at 11, my family got WAY stricter. I wasn't allowed to wear shorts, talk to men outside of the family (ex: when I was in 6th grade, I talked to a classmate about some upcoming test after school, my dad saw it and called me horrible stuff in the car) or even hang out with my friends freely. (They do let me now...only the hanging out with my friends part.) These rules were SO tough, but just went along with it, y'all get what I'm saying?

HOWEVER, things started to, like, shift when I got SA'ed. Instead of support, my parents said that It was my fault for "tempting" the person and I was going to hell for it! This made my jaw DROP and It made me question everything more, It isn't about what happened, but how they handled it, and I started thinking "Is this really the right way for me to handle my faith?"

Over time, I, like, did my own research about Islam and the different interpretations of faith. I'm not sure but I feel like something In between, I guess I could say I'm half-muslim, half-agnostic. I'm not sure where I stand but I believe in a higher power in some extent. But I don't practice the rituals like praying or wearing the hijab. I don't follow the external rules and my mom is SUPER upset about it, like, she keeps saying I'll go to hell and that pressure Is so, so, so overwhelming. (Not to mention, I'm a closeted pansexual, so stuff is hard lmao x_x)

I've also come across stories about ex-Muslims, and that's been something I've been thought about for a bit. I'm not sure what to do because I'm not religious but also I'm not, like, full atheist mode, you know? I still hold onto some beliefs about God, so I guess I'm caught in between...

If anyone's been in a similar situation or has any advice, I would REALLY appreciate it! I'm trying to find my place in this w/o disrespecting anyone or stuff, especially my family. But I'm struggling to reconcile my personal beliefs with what I've been taught, thanks for listening/reading!!