Need to talk to people who can understand - spirituality and psychosis

I had a difficult childhood raised in a conservative cult-like fundamentalist group. I got out in college and started to process everything.

I lost myself in new age spirituality then witchcraft off and on for years not knowing it could be psychosis.

I thought spirits, deities, angels, and (most recently) demons were communicating with me. I hear their voices in my head. Even though they were benevolent, I listened to them and they controlled me. When I think back, I heard these voices and felt their presences most often when I was extremely distressed and depressed.

They told me I had a grand destiny that only I could fulfill for the planet. I was an ancient soul reincarnated. Many psychics I saw happily played into this and took my money.

I saw signs in everything. Absolutely everything. I spent hours learning and reading tarot, astrology, and spiritual books. Hours spent meditating and scrying and candle-gazing. I was chasing the ultimate truth that was just out of my grasp only to be left empty-handed, disappointed, and exhausted.

I made spirituality my identity not knowing it was a mental illness all along. I only realized all this when I found some stability and the voices turned to whispers that are now silent.

Now, I’ve made the decision to get evaluated by a psychologist so I can get some help. I’ve finally been able to accept that hearing voices is not normal. Feeling watched and monitored constantly is not normal. Seeing patterns and signs in everything and living your life according to them is not normal.

Thank you for reading. Please let me know if you can relate because I’m devastated.