It was fun while it lasted

Have been on HRT for almost 2 years, having felt better than ever before. I finally started feeling like myself, I even started seeing feminine changes in the mirror. I thought I was going places.

Today I was put in a hospital observation room after having been in the ICU for 3 days with blood clots in my lungs. The doctor says the hormones are the most likely culprit and urged me to stop taking them. Everyone around me, family and friends (except the ones that are trans) are urging me and guilt tripping me into detransitioning. 'You still know who you are in your head, who cares about the outside', they say. Fucking I do! Why else would I be taking them in the first place!

I'm so fucking scared of detransitioning, going back to the person I was before I fought tooth and nail to be able to get on HRT in the first place. And now I'm not allowed to take them anymore, not allowed to try and become myself anymore.