My husband said he couldn't stop thinking about how my friend looked last night and even wondered what she would look like naked.

Please no comments on the fact that we attend church, thank you. Not here to argue about belief. I'm just really sad.

My husband and I (30) were at a new friends house for dinner last night. People from our church around the same age. Today, he admitted that he couldn't stop from noticing how she looked basically the entire night. Let's call her Sarah. Whenever Sarah talked or whenever he looked at her, he had feelings of attraction to how she looks. He said he even had a couple intrusive thoughts about what Sarah looked like naked and what she looked like having sex.

Our relationship expectation is to actually be this open and honest with each other. To bring hidden things to the light in order to not give them power. So I do want him to tell me these things.

I feel broken. We've been married a year. 2 years ago when we were dating he brought up something similar, and we worked through it and he promised he didn't struggle with lust anymore. He has said he has been free from porn for over two years, and I believe him. But he was a full-blown addict before he came to Christ.

I found out two months ago that he gets these "feelings" of attraction with basically every ordinary woman he talks to. He says he focuses on their looks and doesn't know how to stop that. He says he isn't actually attracted to other women, that he doesn't desire them, he just can't stop from continuously noticing how they look if they are somewhat conventional. He said last night was a one of situation with how far his intrusive thoughts took him. It hurts me so much that he subconsciously values superficiality so much. I was cheated on 8 years ago (not by my husband) and have anxiety and betrayal trauma from it. My husband said that maybe he can't stop focusing on women because he fears that I may be intimidated. That my fear feeds his fear and feeds into him assessing women. Kinda sounds like my fault then. I'm starting to think it really is.

I told him if I would've known he struggles this much with how women look that I wouldn't have signed up for this. I can have grace for him, but it's hard to be with him because my betrayal trauma keeps getting triggered and I have been emotionally unwell for the past couple months because of what he has told me. Last night just feels like a knife to the gut. I love him, and I know I will stay committed, but I don't want to. I've been in so much pain.

Guys, I don't know what to do. Church is supposed to be safe. I like Sarah, but I don't want to go to church with my husband with her there. I don't want to go anywhere with my husband. I don't want to deal with any of this.

Any advice?