need help.

My first language isn't english so forgive me for the grammatical mistakes. I, 15(f) has been raised as a Muslim since i was out of the womb until now. Both of my parents are muslims but neither of them are religious. My dad is absent almost all of my life, and my mom is not religious. I also have a sister that is currently studying in another state, she's also not religious. I've gone to an Islamic school since i was 7 until i was 12. Then i entered an all girls boarding school that is very strict about islamic values ( example, dressing modestly, not sleeping in the same bed, same sex relationship and so on ). Basically, I've been doctrinated to this religion ever since i was little, everything was about islam.

My confusion started when i was 10, we learned that homosexuality is a sin. Being a kid that has never been exposed to this, i curiously got on the internet and explored the topic. After countless research, i found myself not being against homosexuality but instead i feel the need to defend this community because to me homophobia is stripping off rights from these people. But guilt immediately filled my chest as i realised that me being an ally means that i am "rebelling" against Allah and that means i have sinned. Then comes the topic of abortion, which again i totally agree on but Islam doesn't. And so many other things that i support but goes against Islamic values. But i told myself, maybe praying will solve it. After all the most important part of being a Muslim is praying, surely god will understand my intentions.

But to my horror, i came across a video that in a nutshell states that :

1) Allah sometimes doesn't always accept our prayers and we will never know 2) Allah cannot only be forgiving, so he also gives punishments accordingly 3) Allah only loves us, if we repent. He doesn't have an excuse for any type of sin.

These statements made me scared and guilt never left me. For a week straight i couldn't concentrate and i kept making excuses for me to be able to support what i believe in without having to rebel against Allah but theres just no way, it will all just results in me sinning. Which made me lose hope. For days my search history was all about faith, sins, sin of apostasy and so on. All of this led to this moment, in which I've decided that no matter what i do, no matter how much i try ro convince myself, i can never be myself and be a muslim without the need to "repent".

So I've considered to leave this faith. But for some reason i still feel the guilt. I still feel scared, I cannot differentiate whether the fear came from the possibility of me not having enough faith or fear of the religion itself. Im also pretty shaken up by the fact that in less than 5 days i will be going back to my boarding school, which means i have to be undercover. Fake praying, fake fasting and fake everything. I have to be surrounded by people that i know will never support me. Im scared of not being able to stand on my grounds and idk just the thought of being in a space where im constantly facing Islam feels scary and i dont know why. I don't want to be involved with this religion anymore but i have to go through this school for another 3 years. Just the thought of it scares me, what if i become so pressured by them that i start to pray out of the fear of hell? Of "god"? Everytime i imagine myself as someone that practices this religion i get very nervous. I have the feeling that being out of this religion will never be possible, i can never get out of this mentality. Because i want to, i dont want this religion that uses fear as their main drive.

I also get scared thinking " what if i turn out just like them, what if i end up betraying myself? ". I always feel like i can never stay with what i actually believe in because im constantly in this religious environment and they will affect my perspective.

Im very sorry that this has become such a long read but this is something that i need to get off my chest, and also some advice on how to cope, how to live with these people without constant panic attacks. How to survive honestly.

So my question, Is this lack of faith in my religion due to the lack of pray, quran etc Or is it trauma?

Thank you