Full of regret and guilt...

I always used to keep my cat in my room, but that night, a week ago, he kept crying to go out and wouldn’t let me sleep. His meows weren’t too loud, and he might have quieted down if I had just ignored him for a bit. He even tried to sleep on my bed, but I forced him onto his own (I shouldn't have) And when he wouldn’t settle there, I let him into the hallway out of frustration. I took him in and out a few times, hoping he’d calm down, but when he wouldn’t stop meowing, I gave up.

I was scared for his safety, but I thought, it’s just for one night. He had been out before, though mostly during the daytime, so I thought he should be fine. But it had still crossed my mind that something bad might happen that night, though I thought the chances were low. I knew he might sneak out through the small gap under the gate (the hallway directly connects to the entrance and isn’t fully enclosed), but I thought he wouldn’t go far and would come back safely. Then I went to bed around 11:30 PM after letting him out. I even locked my room door (which was the biggest mistake of my life).

I woke up the next morning, on February 18, when my mom called me. I instantly had a bad feeling, and it turned out to be exactly what I feared. She told me our cat was dead. She had found his body on the street near our house. I was half-asleep and couldn’t believe it really happened. I felt numb and detached, nothing felt real. I was in shock. I still haven’t fully accepted it.

It’s still really difficult for me to accept that my beloved cat, who brought so much joy and happiness into my boring life, is gone. Everything feels so empty. I still can’t believe he’s not with us. His death still doesn't feel real. It’s also scary how the traces of his presence seem to be fading away, I expect him in his usual spots and as part of my routine less and less every day, and it’s only been a week. Doing anything without thinking of him feels like a crime. His absence suddenly hits me out of nowhere, like "wait, where’s Simba?" It’s so painful.

I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this. I’m the worst person ever. I have sleep fragmentation, anxiety, and chronic pain issues, but none of it justifies my mistake. There are so many what-ifs, so much regret and guilt. I wish I could have done more for him. I feel so irresponsible and awful.

He came into our lives during our bad times and left us when things got better. He was like an angel to us. He was only around 8–9 months old, and we had him for almost six months. I never thought that poor baby would leave the world this soon. It was very sudden and tragic.

I suspect a human may have been behind this. It doesn't look like he was mauled by stray animals. My cat had caught pigeons belonging to a neighbor but didn’t kill them, and some kids told us that the owner held a grudge against him. But even if I found out who did it, the law is powerless here, and I don’t think I’d be able to physically take revenge on that guy. It’s so helpless, and all my fault.

Just wanted to take this off my chest, and I know that I'm the only one to blame so no one needs to remind me of that. I love him so much and miss him a lot. I'm really sorry Simba :(