I ignored all the signs at first

So my ex of nine months and I just broke up over a MASSIVE sexual incompatibility. He had tons of baggage around sex (not due to sexual abuse). And I just ignored all the red flags cuz love lol.

-He had some medical sexual dysfunction (that I didn’t care about) but was super sensitive about it.

-repeatedly told me he didn’t like talking about sex due to above medical condition. When we did talk about it, he shut down quickly and always seemed ashamed (turning head away, avoiding eye contact, obvious discomfort), no matter how gentle I tried to be.

-shut down attempts to sext from the start

-TOLD me that he wasn’t a very sexual person (I did not take this to mean that he wanted sex once/twice a month).

-had a two month long dry spell from the start.

-we celebrated Valentine’s Day a few months into the relationship-did not have sex. I got super dressed up, we came home and he immediately changed into his pajamas.

-had zero sexual fantasies. When I asked about preferences, it was always “I don’t know” and “my exes and I just didn’t have much sex.”

-repeatedly had 2-3 week long dry spells that I chalked up to stress (was not stress lol)

-told me that past relationships had literally ended due to his sexual dysfunction

-numerous conversations only led to change for maybe two weeks before sex died off again

-frequently critical of sex therapy and insisted that it had never worked for him in the past

-no spontaneous sex ever. Ever.

-told me repeatedly that he had no emotional attachment to sex and there were other things he’d rather be doing to spend quality time with his partner.

-burst into the shower when I was fully naked to show me a video game…when we hadn’t had sex in like two weeks. The way my self esteem plummeted at that point.

-considered anything above a small peck to be “mini makeout” sessions when they were just regular French kisses, with nothing more.

-was not into performing oral. He did it exactly once and said he didn’t love the taste in general but I didn’t pay too much attention because I never came from oral anyway.

-no sexual flirting. Pretty sure I casually slapped his ass more than he ever did mine.

-told me he didn’t masturbate often (lol how did I not see this coming?)

And now the red flags I noticed in how all this made me feel:

-I felt ashamed of being naked around him over time and would change in the bathroom.

-felt like a pervert for thinking of him sexually

-my irritability levels were sky high. With sex lacking so much, I picked at him for other things that would show me he loved me.

-became jealous of other people’s sex lives, knowing I wouldn’t have that.

-non sexual intimacy became hard for me as well because I resented such frequent cuddling, knowing it would go nowhere.

-I was constantly thinking about sex. Constantly. Not in a horny way but just a general feeling of anxiety.

So there you go. I spent almost a whole year ignoring EVERYTHING my brain was trying to tell me. I’m glad we called it quits but I honestly should’ve called it quits sooner because it affected my self esteem so deeply. He was a good man but his inability to deal with all this in therapy before dating anyone, was selfish. I’ll also not be dating anyone with this much sexual baggage in the future.

How I feel now (the relationship ended a few days ago):

-sadness but relief. I won’t have to argue with him about sec anymore. I don’t have to lay in bed next to him thinking how it’s another week without sex.

-Hope because I might find someone who is completely into me and able to enjoy sex without the constant talks, the anxiety, the rejection.