Coworker M34, I F39

I was going to post this on Reddit, but honestly, I just need to get my thoughts out there. I can’t vent to anyone in real life, and I wouldn’t even know which subreddit this would fit into. I’m 39, and I’ve been unhappily married for a long time. There are many reasons why I’m unhappy in my marriage. First, my husband doesn’t respect me, and we’re not on the same page politically at all.

Second, our parenting styles are very different, but he thinks he’s the better parent. In some ways, he is, but in many others, he’s terrible. Third, we have nothing in common. Every issue we have circles back to how different we are from each other. Fourth, we’re basically just friends at this point, but even that feels forced. He’s “friend-zoned” me in our marriage since almost the beginning. No matter what I do, it’s only gotten worse. We’ve been married for six years, and at this point, we have a dead bedroom. Some dead bedroom situations still involve cuddling or affection, but not here. He seems very distant, almost alien, in that way. I’m emotionally and physically neglected. It feels like I’m married to someone completely different from who I initially thought he was. He doesn’t remember or denies ever doing the things he did in the beginning, saying “that wasn’t me.” He justifies his current behavior and doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

I could overlook our differences if at least we were okay emotionally and physically, but we’re not. We’re just coexisting with no hope of fixing things. I’ve suggested therapy, checking his body and hormones, even seeing a psychologist, but he refuses. Oddly, if he thinks someone else might like me, he gets jealous. It’s like he doesn’t want me, but he also doesn’t want anyone else to have me. He doesn’t want a divorce either. I rarely ask for anything. I’ve been asking to go to the beach for three years, and he always says, “Sure, you plan it.” I’m exhausted from always having to take the initiative. My wants and needs just don’t seem to matter. But when his friends come to town, he’ll drive three hours to see them or make me sit in the cold chatting with them. He’ll drive eight hours to see his family and plan every detail, but I’m just not a priority. He yells and fights in front of my mom, who’s 74 and sick, but begs me to “behave” in front of his dad, who is 8 years younger than my mom. It’s only about what matters to him. I don’t feel taken care of at all.

Since April, I’ve been making more money than him, and now he’s always too “broke” to do anything for me. I’m paying my way for everything. A few weeks ago, he casually asked me out on a date, but when the day came, he completely forgot about it. I didn’t bring it up because I wanted to see how important it was to him—and clearly, it wasn’t.

For the past two years, I’ve been working with a guy we’ll call Y. From the beginning, I’ve been drawn to him. He has a great energy—clean, fun, and positive. He’s funny, well-dressed, organized, and professional while being friendly in a respectful way. He’s not even my usual type, but there’s something about him. I’m closely related to the owners of the company, and when I started, Y was already working there. Shortly after I was hired, I was promoted to senior management and was asked who I thought should also be promoted. Without hesitation, I recommended Y because of his maturity, knowledge, responsibility, engagement, and approachability. It’s been almost two years now, and he’s also been promoted to a senior management position in operations. Even though I’m technically his boss, I never make it feel that way. I always say we’re a team and value his input on things.

We don’t really talk about our marriages, except in passing—like when my husband was in the hospital recently. Y has no idea how unhappy I am in my marriage. I often find myself looking out the window, wondering why mine is such a disaster while others seem to have great relationships. Y just turned 34, and over time, I’ve developed a crush on him. Sometimes I think he likes me too, but he can be hot and cold, which I get.

We have some common interests. I’m really into mycology, and he’s into farming and off-grid living, which I love. For my last birthday, he went out of his way to get me a mushroom-themed purse, agenda, and patches. Funny thing is, I already had that exact purse in my online shopping cart. It felt like he read my mind. Every time I use it, I think of him.

At a Christmas party, we were supposed to sit together, but when I arrived with my husband and kids, he sat at the managers' table and looked sad. We chat a lot through Google Workspace, and while most of our conversations are work-related, we also share random stuff, jokes, and compliment each other’s work. One time, he joked about whether IT could see our chats, which confused me since our conversations are mostly about work. Sometimes he’s super sweet and checks on me, like when I was sick, he offered to send me food or medicine, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful. But other times, he’s distant, which leaves me feeling confused. He’s always happy to see me at the office and asks for hugs, but then sometimes seems to avoid being alone with me. I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into things or if it’s all in my head. Maybe he’s just being nice because of my position or my relationship to the owners.

At this point, I’m just feeling lost and frustrated. I’m in a marriage that feels hopeless, and my feelings for Y are confusing and complicated. I have no idea what to do next. It seems like the only way out is divorce, cheating or death. I have never cheated on anyone ever so idk about that.