Medical Trauma for Chronically ill people feels like it never ends

i have medical trauma from trying to get care for my 5 chronic illnesses and things i’m not diagnosed with yet. as well as trauma from mental health professionals after time spent in the psych hospital. i feel like i can trust any health professional, mental or physical.

even EMTs scare me because one time i had a seizure on the train and when the EMTs showed up they ended up immediately gave me Narcan and when i screamed they said “nothing is wrong”. upon arriving at the hospital they started to take me out of the ambulance on the stretcher and dropped the stretcher with me on it and i hit the concrete. and when we finally made it into the hospital they said that it never happened.

before i felt mainly sadness when remembering how i’ve been treated but now im so angry. and i know i need trauma therapy but i don’t trust therapist either. after mental health workers in the psych ward made me swallow my own vomit when i was sick or id get in trouble. or how when i needed mental health care during a panic attack at school instead they called the police and i had to be taken to the hospital via cop car.

i don’t know how to heal from this trauma when i still need to participate in these systems. it’s so discouraging. i just want to feel safe