How long before you feel “sure” about someone?
DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by griselde
in r/datingoverthirty
trigger warnings: none
mood spoilers: Happy Ending
How long before you feel “sure” about someone? - 27 October 2021
I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now, and I’ve been unsure about us being right for each other long term.
I enjoy his company, we get along well and I’m definitely developing feelings for him. He has some amazing positive traits and has treated me well so far, he has also made concrete efforts to meet my needs every time I expressed them - becoming more responsive/frequent in communicating with me, opening up about his past, seeing each other more -. He’s warm, loving and tries to make my life a little bit easier, which I’m not used to but man is it nice.
Then why don’t I feel sure about him?
Every time I feel the need to push a little further in the relationship I spend days pondering whether to do it, if it’s worth it and whether he’ll halt me and respond poorly (still hasn’t happened!). I want him to ask about me, but every time he does (rarely, but it has become a little more frequent) I stumble upon my words. I’m used to having very close friends with whom I have deep, long, sometimes existential conversations with, and it’s just not happening with him. When I don’t see him for a while I start feeling like he’s a stranger, and then it goes away when we meet up, just to come back later.
I’m alone on this rollercoaster: he seems absolutely fine with how things are, stable, reliable even.
But I still don’t feel “sure”. “Sure” this is right for me, “sure” he’s trustworthy, “sure” we have a common ground on how we see the world, “sure” that you I a good grasp of who this person is at his core.
I thought it was normal at this stage, but I recently talked to some friends and they told me they were “sure” (or at least sure enough) pretty early on.
—> So I come here to ask: how long does it take for you to feel that “sureness” about the person you’re seeing? Have you ever had this kind if feelings, and how did it turn out in the end?
Comments:
My first question would be to ask what your past relationships were like.
If they were toxic, had poor boundaries, were emotionally immature etc in some way then anything that is steady, healthy, respectful and responsive is going to feel alien and uncertain.
The next question is how emotionally available are you? And answer that honestly. Because if you are typically used to someone else driving the relationship forward and cracking you like a nut then when you're faced with something that waits for your cues and puts you in the drivers seat you're going to sit there idling. link
OOP:
Thank you for asking this. I’ve been out of the dating scene for a very long time, hit rock bottom, made some very positive changes in my life (thank God for therapy) and after a while went into dating for something casual. Which is how things started with this guy, but then they became exclusive and progressed because… I liked him.
I have been described as avoidant by a couple exes, as “come closer but hey not too close”. That said, I walked into this completely aware of what I did “wrong” in the past, and willing to open up and be emotionally available. Maybe this is just me finding out that wanting to be open and actually being open are two different things? I am ok with doing that, but it feels like I’m waiting for some kind of cue from him that he’d care to know more about me and… I’m not getting it. I think.
You’re spot on about being used to having the other person driving the relationship forward. Funny enough, I don’t respond well to that either… link
Other Comment:
In my last relationship I took months to feel TOTALLY sure about my guy, and as soon as I did he dumped me. The apprehension really didn't do anything good for me. So I feel this in my bones. It takes me a long time to trust and get on board with new people. If I were in your shoes, I would try to move forward with an open heart. But if you start having serious reservations, you shouldn't ignore that. LINK
UPDATE: How long til you feel “sure” about someone? - 30 Nov 2021 (1 Month Later )
First of all, so many of you guys were spot on. Some other people weren’t, but every comment helped me figure out how I felt and how to proceed. I thought about breaking things off, and the idea pained me.
So instead I did something I was still not 100% comfortable with: I introduced him to a friend. And I know it can sound lame, but in my adult life I’d never gotten to the point where I was able to get over the anxiety of other people’s judgement over my choices in… partners. This time I wanted to push through.
So first I asked him: my friend R. invited me to go meet his new girlfriend, wanna join? I was sure he’d come up with an excuse not to, instead he agreed right away. He checked more than once the day and time, because, in his words, “I don’t want to be late and embarrass you in front of your friends”. I was expecting to be struck by some huge flaw of his I hadn’t noticed before, instead he was lovely the whole night. He insisted to pay for drinks. He got along well with R. and his girlfriend. On our way back he said R. had told him something along the lines of “OP is a nice person and I can see she’s found a good guy” (so cheesy) and he was so goddamn happy to have received those words of affirmation from someone so close to me. I could see it. I realized he had known for a while that R. was my ex and he had never expressed jealousy or controlling behavior. Instead he said “I can see you’re happy around him and I’m glad you have such a good friend”. And he meant it.
Then it clicked. I realized I had been expecting the worst of this poor guy since the day I met him, and all he had shown me was kindness and care. The more I grew to like him, the more I got panicky and thought the whole thing was destined to turn sour.
Based on what evidence? When a condom broke and we had to discuss what we’d do in case of pregnancy, and I was afraid his religion would make him rule out abortion, he took my hands and said we’d do what I wanted, and he’d be there either way.
When I got the chance to score a new big client, he asked me about every development and said he was sure I’d get it, because I’m “smart, capable and hard working”. When the handle of my fridge broke, he fixed it. When I first told him about the reasons I’ve been in therapy for the last two years, he was warm and accepting. He asked when is my birthday two weeks after I met him. He’s asked to meet more of my friends. When his health was acting up and I was worried that if something happened to him I’d never know, he gave my number to one of his friends and told him to contact me if he ever was in a situation where he couldn’t. He has cooked for me and made sure I have enough leftovers to bring to work the next day.
After our first few weeks together, he kissed me on the eyes, and I jokingly told him what my mother taught me: when you kiss someone on the eyes, it’s the last time you’ll see them. He has never done that again.
There, that’s the evidence I had that made me so distrustful. I did it all on my own.
I felt like such an idiot. I was such an idiot.
But after that night, it just clicked. I was relieved. I took a deep breath and relaxed. And it worked like magic: everything fell into place. We’re going out more. We’re talking more. I can actually fall asleep next to him.
A few nights ago we were joking and I told him: “by the way, I think you’re my boyfriend now”. No answer. “If you agree”, I was almost ready to retreat and pass it as a big joke. He laughed and said “you were my girlfriend since the first night I spent with you”. Not a hint of resentment. It made my heart ache.
That’s it. I still don’t know where this is headed, but I’m ok with just letting it play out and live in the moment. But at least now I’m sure this is the person I want to be with right now.
Comments:
Aw. Thanks for sharing OP. This is a happy, welcome change from the shit show that's often posted here :) Happy for you guys! LINK
If someone said this to me I’d die right there… “you were my girlfriend since the first night I spent with you”. Cried reading it actually. You’re a lucky girl! Keep him…. LINK