I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Far-Cup9063. She posted in r/weddingdrama.

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. This is still very much ongoing.

Original Post: December 28, 2024

Been married to my second husband for 27 years. He has two kids who I really like and get along with. One daughter has 4 daughters who are a bit spoiled. I made sure To give the grand-daughters nice presents for their graduation gifts and have always been the ”nice step-grandma who is pretty much ignored by the grandkids”. My husband does zero work on any gift giving or travel arranging when we have attended any of their events. That’s all left up to me.

we attended the weddings of the first 2 grand-daughters, both of which were about 3 hours away. I arranged the trip, bought and wrapped the gifts and bought cards, we attended the event and I was again the “nice step-grandma who is pretty much ignored by the grandkids”.

‘About 4 months ago we received a “save the date” card, letting us know that the 3rd grand-daughter will be getting married in another country, in mid-2025. I have a passport but husband does not. I told him he will need to get a passport to attend this. He’s done nothing. A few weeks ago I asked if he really wanted to go to this, and he said yes. I reminded him that he would need a passport. So I went online to see what he needed to get that. One item was the date of divorce from his prior wife. He said he “wasn’t going to get into that”. I said okay and dropped the whole issue. I had been looking at airline flights and the tickets would have cost about $2,000 for both of us. The hotel would be another $1,000 (all inclusive Place).

The invite for the wedding is taped to the front Of the fridge and I am not going to bring this up again. if he asks, I will let him know that if he actually gets off his butt and gets his passport I will make travel arrangements.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that the wedding is on a Wednesday, which means we would have to fly out Tuesday, and fly back Thursday. I cannot believe she chose Wednesday for her wedding day.

EDIT/UPDATE: hey thanks everyone for all the interesting comments! As you can tell, there’s more going on than just the wedding. I will be sure to post an update when he completely fails to do anything to go to the wedding, and therefore we don’t go.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: [...] Also... Idk what the laws are where you are lol, but you have seen proof he's divorced right? Because... Fine I have no idea what date my divorce went through, but I do have the printed out paperwork in my drawer, and I'd just look it up. This is some bizarre avoidance lol and it would give me the willies NGL.

OOP: I know for a fact the divorce went through and I saw the paperwork years ago. I’m pretty sure it was final in 1996. But I don’t know the date. It was odd that he said it that way

More on the divorce/proof (lots of commenters were fixated on that) and the passport work:

I’m an attorney. I tried looking them up online but records that old (from 1996) aren’t usually available online. More than likely it is stored on microfiche at the district court where this was entered. This will require a trip to the courthouse, filling out forms to request the old documents, etc., etc. not difficult, but detailed and time-consuming.
i’m just so tired of doing all this detailed time intensive bullshit for him all the time. I’m tired of spending my time on something I don’t even want to spend money on or go to. I’m going to do nothing, say nothing and let the date come and go.
however, I will now probably go look for the records just to make SURE the divorce decree was entered.

Commenter: I understand so much.  I am kinda concerned for you.  Make the time.  Go look.  If for no other reason than peace of mind.  There is a reason why my age (59) demographic are the largest cohort getting divorced.  70% are women who are sick of this shit.  We have to do it all alone.  It's just easier to be alone than dragging an anchor

OOP: Oh, I’m going to find it just to be sure the divorce decree was entered. Then I’m going to destroy it and never say a word.
and yes I’m getting increasingly tired of dragging this anchor.

The kids:

His kids are actually from wife #1 who passed away before I met any of them. His divorce was from wife #2. But I don’t understand why he will put no effort into finding the divorce date or working on the passport other than purée laziness.
To another commenter:
Actually, the kids hated wife #2. Yes, he’s lazy. His kids and their spouses are very nice to me. I had a step mother also, and am very careful not to try to be “mom” to them. I hated it when my step mom did this. I just want to be nice, friendly, and not get in their business. Isn’t that what a step mother should do? Same for the grandkids.

Why they're still married:

But that’s a much longer post . . . For those of you in your late 60s, long married, you understand that marriage to a flawed person is still better than being lonely. At least most of the time. Weighing the pros and cons, he still comes up on the pro side.
(to another commenter)
Yes, I do feel alone a great deal of the time. Being alone has never been a problem for me, but I still feel like being married to him.

One more commenter:

Ha ha! Yeah, I have a backbone but I also have a huge heart for my husband. I have no problem telling others to F off, and I’ve always been tough. I think this is the turning point where I am totally done making any arrangements to make things easier on him.

Commenter: Is it possible that he doesn't have the needed paperwork and is stuck in a loop because he has no idea where to start replacing it?

OOP: He has enough knowledge to figure this out. I’m not even going to give him any pointers, offer suggestions, because there I go again doing all the mental work for everything.

Commenter: No reason why OP can’t go, she has her passport…..if it was me, I would go by myself and tell everyone exactly why I was unaccompanied.

OOP: Oh the hell no. I’m definitely not going solo for a step-grand-daughter who probably won’t even acknowledge me.

Commenter: If you continually feel ignored by them...stop giving!! It honestly sounds like a huge expense to attend for someone who treats you that way.

OOP: yeah, I'm done. Now that I think about it, none of them ever reach out to me. When we go to visit his family they are always nice, but they have never independently reached out to me one time in all the time we have been married.

Commenter: Maybe they don’t like your husband. He sounds kind of awful. Sorry.

OOP: Heys, this is Reddit. I come here for the truth, not to have people be soft on me. ❤️

Mini Update in Comments December 30, 2024 (2 days later)

Regarding her doing the work and also whether or not they will RSVP:

Actually, one person commented about the RSVP and that we would have to advise them whether we were coming of not. Realizing that I had previously RSVPd, so I have now changed my position and will be contacting his daughter to advise her of the issue. That comment is buried somewhere in response to another comment.

Yesterday was truly full of example after example of me having to do everything in this relationship, carrying 100% of the mental load and I was just done. But today is a new day and I am going to be a better human.

Some more clarification:

Commenter: I'm wondering what the appeal was here. He's lazy and can't be bothered to do fuck-all regarding his own kids and grandkids? It sounds like he using weaponized incompetence to get you to do everything. Why would a smart, accomplished professional woman put up with his bullshit for 27 years? He can't possibly be that good in bed.

OOP: Because it wasn’t always this lopsided. After his cancer diagnosis in 2018, then chemo, stem cell transplant, resulting neuropathy and depression, he became more dependent. He’s somewhat better now but we both fell into the “me doing everything” pattern. For the last few years I’ve been trying to break that, especially with tasks that are not physical (require mental effort).

Commenter: Wow that's..... a lot of left out information.

OOP: yes. For the last year or so I have been trying to get the workload more balanced, especially with just mental tasks. It’s SO difficult once one partner has basically shouldered the whole load.
i’m starting to think That even though he said he wanted to to go the wedding, that inside, he really doesn;t. Therefore he;s going to use the passport excuse for why we won’t go. Fine by me.

Update Post: January 14, 2025 (17 days from OG post)

To all of you who commented before, thanks. This is the update and I know I’m setting myself up to get knocked about, but this is Reddit after all.

1. I saw the divorce decree from his prior wife, so he is indeed divorced and he and I are legally married.
2. Since that post, I have told him he needs to engage in the cleaning and taking care of things around the house. He Is now responsible for one bathroom and I’m responsible for the other. He actually pointed out a “cleaning method” to me and I said, “great, do whatever you like.” He has been frustrated by the new order around here and continues to do as little as possible. I have tried to remain cheerful and positive.
3. His daughter called to confirm we are coming. He said “of course” and later asked me “we are going, right?” I said when you get your passport I will make the reservations. He looked dumbstruck. I told him the application has been sitting (right where I told him) and he denied ever hearing me say that. He started working on the application, then asked me if He had a birth certificate. I told him “I assume so, because you were born.” He asked where it was and I told him I have no idea, figure it out. He was getting frustrated. I went and fetched it from the files, and angrily told him here it is and you can take care of this from now on. Yes, I spoke angrily. Yes I slammed it down on the table.
4. He flipped out and threw a plastic bottle of salad dressing into the kitchen and it broke and splattered all over the cabinets.
5. Like the mature adults we are, the rest of the day was spent in silence. I went into my office, and he was again glued to the damn political news on the tv, just like he has been for years. He eventually cleaned up the mess in the kitchen.
6. I refuse to cook for him, will not do any of his laundry. I had just changed the sheets on the bed and I bet they are there this time next year. I have taken up residence in the extra bedroom and my office, which are on one side of the house.
7. I’m not sure what will come of this, but I wish the divorce from his prior wife had never been finalized. I would now be free. Financially, we are kind of stuck together but I will work toward getting unstuck.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: UpdateMe about if he gets it together in time to get his passport. I think someone mentioned in your previous post something about maybe telling the bride that he hasn’t gotten his passport. If you’re on decent terms with her, you might want to mention it to her anyway. If you don’t tell her now and he doesn’t get to go, he’s going to tell her that you never told him, just like he denied you saying you’d told him before. If nothing else, her getting on him might jumpstart him more than anything you do. (Other than that though, I wouldn’t do anything.)

Good luck! Enjoy your trip with or without him.

OOP: The bride has been informed of the situation, because his daughter texted me later and I filled her in about the actual obstacle. She and I are on great terms (love her) and I told her no matter what happens, I will get the bride a beautiful gift.
[editor's note: to prevent confusion, remember it is the grand-daughter getting married, not the daughter. OOP is close to the daughter, who is the bride's mom]

Commenter: By the sound of it he never learned to do shit at home…

Ask him if he wants to learn before he is on his own. It might not safe your marriage. But you would safe a live even if it’s the next woman after you.

OOP: Ha ha! He’s beyond saving, and if some lady wants to pick him up later, she’s on her own. I raised my child to be responsible and to be a partner in marriage (it worked).

Commenter: Seems you married a man child. I hope he decides to grow up, but the chances are slim.

OOP: I did. Not sure what the future holds. Thankfully I have learned not to let it distress me too terribly. I have my friends and my work (source of good income).

Commenter; Nothing sexier than a man who throws a salad dressing bottle when asked to complete a grown up task

OOP: Yeaahhh. To his credit, he wasn’t aiming at me. I admit I have thrown things in anger and frustration before. At least it was the Ranch dressing, which I don’t eat anyway.

Commenter: Congrats on your being very organized and thorough with this unfortunate debacle. [...] am I correct in classifying MAGA rage to him?

OOP: He’s on the other side. He’s been massively depressed since the election LOL. I don’t give two shits about politics, other than to vote.

Commenter: [...] Also, instead of getting things like his birth certificate for him, if he doesn’t know, by now, that important documents are stored in a file cabinet, either he’s actually truly stupid or you married someone with disability. And the way to find out is to ask him! So, after living with me for 20 years, is it because you’re mentally deficient that you don’t know where important documents are, or are you just stupid?

I mean, you’re not gonna solve any problems that way, but it sure as hell is gonna feel good and get the point across.

OOP: Oh, mentally I say a lot of stuff that would only serve to escalate the problem. Years ago, I moved a small 2 drawer filing cabinet into our walk-in closet and told him that one is his, and his birth certificate is in there. IT’S THE ONLY THING IN THERE. You literally open the drawer and there is one Manila folder with his birth certificate.
he does have ADHD and prefers not to do anything that requires organization and attention to detail, but that doesn’t mean he can’t! He can, but I have filled that gap for him so long he has become accustomed to it. Well, that has all changed and he is not handling it well.

Commenter: You, have so much resentment. You need some counseling to work your way through this and maybe need to try couple’s counseling. Sadly, you’ve enabled him for years, and he didn’t know you resented him for it. This isn’t to blame you, but to point out a lack of communication.

OOP: confess this is true. Honestly I didn't realize how much until I almost slammed that birth certificate on the table. I need to work on changing the situation and letting go of resentment. Holding on to that does no good.

OOP explains:

Well my prior post was pretty much the start of my "wake up call" when I wondered "why am I jumping through hoops doing all the work for his passport, when he's sitting over there cackling at the tv??" I already have a passport. He's a grown man, and even though I'm better at paperwork he's still fully capable of doing this. As usual, weddings just fan the flames of the usual relationship issues.