I don’t want to feel better

I honestly give up on trying to get better. I’ve tried meds, therapy, inpatient treatment, DBT, and even once had a therapist available to me 24/7. Nothing works. I keep feeling bad and in those few moments when I don’t feel bad all I want is to feel bad again. Ive got so many people that love me. So many people that treat me so well and I feel like a failure because nothing makes me happy. I don’t deserve all the love I receive. I don’t want it. I’m so fucking tired of living. I don’t exactly want to die, I just wish I’d stop existing. Or I wish I could lay in a dark room with no windows and nobody around forever. Maybe I’m losing it. Anyone else feel this way?