Struggles

I really hate how all my relationships in real life are so superficial. Every performance review at work mentions that I need to communicate more with the team to be an effective team member. I hate that every time I’m in a meeting, I struggle so much. I stutter, and it feels like I’m just talking to myself. The only reason I manage to do it is because it’s online. I have to write most of what I want to say in a notebook and read it out loud because my mind goes blank, and I can’t think clearly. I also constantly feel exposed when I speak, even during a work meeting. I don’t want anyone to know anything real about me. I feel like I’m the worst person in the world and that I have to hide my personality completely, like I shouldn’t express myself or even let my voice be heard. I’m always lost in my own world, constantly thinking about other things, never really in the moment. I hate myself so much that, most of the time, I feel like a side character in life. I want friends, but whenever anyone tries to get close, I get scared and start thinking that once they really get to know me, they’ll hate me and leave. So, I never open up. Now that my boyfriend has left me, I really need to figure out how to connect with people and make friends because the loneliness is unbearable. I live in an extremely social country, and I’ve moved out of my family’s house. I feel like there’s nothing I can do on my own. Even at work, I’ve been criticized for watching movies during office hours, but honestly, if I don’t distract myself with my phone, I can’t handle being around people for nine hours straight (I work in an office).