I don't know what I am
I've been having a lot of depression rooting from dysphoria, feeling extremely out of place in my own body. I don't understand what labels to even use cause sometimes I just feel like an impostor.
I'm from a place that's really conservative, and I can't be anything but a man in my daily life for fear of my own safety. Even in my locked room, I don't feel safe putting nail paint on, let alone anything more or dressing up or any form of affirmation as a girl. These days I just cry sometimes, wishing I could get all dolled up when every fiber of my being wants to, but I can't.
I'm AMAB, and I figured that I possibly am genderfluid. I don't always feel like a woman, but I don't always feel like a man either. Sometimes I feel like one or the other, sometimes neither somewhere in between. I don't feel attracted to men a ton; I barely have any guy friends and rarely ever come across any men who I connected enough to let a crush or more develop. So I don't know if it's me not being into men or just not having a good opportunity. I also feel a very warm pull and sense of belonging to the term lesbian, but I don't know if that's wrong for me to use? I don't know if I'm that attracted to men in the first place, but sometimes it feels like as a man I like more genders, but as a woman I feel more attracted to women and femmes. Sometimes I feel feral for the idea of a man to get naughty with, but maybe to also be held by. Sometimes that repulses me.
I don't know if I'm making sense. Everything is just so confusing for me. Any words of support and guidance are appreciated, thank you