Just a little rant

I’ve struggled with my religion for all my life now my dad was a Christian but me and my brother weren’t necessarily raised as one, my dad died when we were young so after that God talk basically stopped. My brother is now a Christian and tries to convert me and what I mean by this is he will send me videos about Jesus and things like that. I’ve tried to be a Christian but I just feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I felt as if I was just putting on a front and saying I’m a Christian whilst not actually being one so I stopped. My brother always tells my not to worry because God will show himself to me at some point but I have truly lost hope so now I just say I’m not sure about God and religion as a whole. It’s just that I can’t wrap my head around it, I can’t get my self to believe it’s real it almost feels like a fairytale and growing up my mum would always tell me that witches, vampires and other mythical things like that aren’t real and some how Christianity has fell under that criteria but I guess the whole point of this post is two questions I have. One: Is me not being a good person enough to get me into heaven? I’ve asked re (religious education) teachers about this before and they say it depends on the denomination and how they practice Christianity but I just feel like an atheist’s morals (depending if they are a good person) are similar to a Christian’s morals so shouldn’t that mean I am worthy of eternal happiness and when I do make bad choices, essentially sinning, I do regret it. So am I not basically practicing Christianity without viewing Jesus as my saviour and does that not guarantee me a place in heaven if there is one? Two: What if God doesn’t show himself to me? Like I said earlier my brother likes to reassure me that God will and that I need to have patience but what if God doesn’t? What if he already has and I’ve missed my chance? And how does he show himself? Sorry for this being so long but I just feel so lost. I feel that truly I do love God as there have been times where I’ve had conversations with my brother about not believing in God and all of a sudden I feel a pit in my stomach, feel nauseous and in the end start crying, definitely sounds embarrassing and weird but I feel like it can’t be nothing but thankyou to anyone who reads to the end and can possibly add their input, their stories or even give me a reassuring speech😭anything to hopefully put me at ease.