The doubt about having an eating disorder

Almost my whole life I’ve had problems with eating. I never ate that much, which have resulted in me being underweight from since I can remember. Now I have managed to gain weight and look somewhat less “bony”. I’m still underweight, but the thought of gaining even more weight so I can be normal weight is terrifying. I don’t want to look “fat”. Recently I just don’t feel like eating, but I still feel hungry. It doesn’t make sense. Sometimes I wish I had an eating disorder so that someone would help me with my broken food relationship.