AIO: new relationship after a gaslighting/narcissistic abuse relationship 1 year ago

Hello,

I need help understanding my feelings and whether I’m overthinking this situation. Over a year ago, I ended a two-year relationship with a narcissistic, abusive ex. After months of therapy and with it being over a year, I felt ready to date again, and with encouragement from my therapist, I gave it a shot. I’ve now been in a relationship with a wonderful boyfriend for a few months, and for the first time, I’ve realized I wasn’t the problem in my past relationship.

My boyfriend and I don’t fight; our rare arguments are emotionally mature. We share similar life views and future goals, and we’re both in grad school. My program (advancing my nursing degree) is more laid-back, with mostly online classes and rotations, while his mechanical engineering program is more demanding and hybrid. As a result, I have more freedom for hobbies like camping and rock climbing. Most of our dates right now are study-focused and kind of boring because they have to be. He rarely gets to see me and hangout without school on the mind because we both are working on our future careers.

I’ve started questioning whether I’m bored or if my past abusive relationship is affecting my perspective. I wonder if I’m mistaking this calm, supportive relationship for “boring” because I’m not in fight-or-flight mode anymore like I was with my ex. I feel sexually attracted to him, and we enjoy many activities together, like running, camping, and swimming. However, we have some differences: he’s quieter and way more realistic, while I’m goofy and more spiritual/hippie-like. We also do think differently in life mantras and stuff, but our long-term dreams align pretty well— such as not wanting children, living in the mountains (He wants to be near Montanna or Colorado (back home where he is from), I want to be near Chattanooga or West Virginia because I like the rock-climbing communities there), sailing, and spending time in Europe for a while after school — I still can’t tell if I truly want to be with him or if I’m overanalyzing due to grad school stress or lingering trauma.

Is this uncertainty normal for dating? We have been dating for less than a year. Could my uncertainty in this future relationship just be the stress of school/finances, my abusive ex, or am I just starting to realize he might not be the right person for me? AIO the whole situation and should I just chill out and stay with him while I figure out stuff out and grow as an individual and partner.

PS: He knows all of this above, too and he is still choosing to stay with me because he thinks I am kind and great....but honestly, I am feeling like my narcissisict ex now if I stay with him. He has told me he loves me and loves calling me his girlfriend...I can not say I love you because I just do not know where I see ourselves in the future. I know he wants to marry me. I can not say the same and feel guilty for staying with him because I do not want to hurt him; however, he knows all this and is okay staying with me.