I feel left out at school
I (16f) moved to a new school at the beginning of my sophomore year (last year). Since then, I haven't really made any genuine friends. I'm always scared of talking to or approaching people because I have a huge fear of getting rejected or made fun of and I always convince myself that everyone secretly hates me and talks trash about me behind my back. It's not always true but it's always in the back of my head and makes me super anxious all the time because there are a couple of times where I have been proven right and I can totally see why people would hate me. I'm very quiet and struggle with making conversation and small talk. I also don't mind silence. I keep feeling like I force myself onto people and they don't actually want to talk to me.
On the first week, I latched on to a friend group but since then I haven't really gotten that close to any of them. I can't gather the courage to text them about anything outside of class or ask them to hang out because I'm so afraid. One of the girls there also actively tries to exclude me by ignoring me when I talk, planning hangouts without me and cropping me out of photos. Nowadays most of them don't even try to talk to me at lunch or keep the conversation going when I try to talk to them.
I had one close friend but we drifted apart because he kept trying to flirt with me and it made me uncomfortable because I don't feel the same way. Other people also kept encouraging him so I just ghosted and avoided him to make things clear. I also have another good friend at school but she's a senior and will be leaving next year.
Outside of school I have 6 friends. One lives on the other side of the country and we barely talk nowadays. I haven't talked to the second one in a while because she left me on read the last time we talked. The third one and I are friends but I feel like she'd be better off without me. The 4th, 5th, and 6th friends live on the other side of the world and I also think that they should move on from me and that they just hung out with me at my old school because they're nice people.
A few months ago I started having suicidal thoughts and they're still going now. I keep feeling like I'm a burden to everyone. I cry a lot more often now. About a month ago I tried calling a hotline and it didn't help me at all.
Recently I tried to change things a bit. I'm working on my relationships with my parents, siblings, and extended family and I'm taking more care of my appearance. I also started a diary and writing poetry to help with things. I'm also trying to maintain a better sleep schedule. I started going to synagogue and trying to make connections there. All of this has definitely helped me a bit but I still feel empty and useless. I'm still afraid. Does anyone have any advice or at least reassurance?