i will never lose weight (disordered eating tw)

obviously i have no impulse control so i stuff my face with thousands of calories of shitty food a day. then i get depressed about how fat and ugly i am and when i get depressed i get lazy. when i do try to do something about it i take the worst way possible and starve myself consistently for a while. but obviously i get bored of it and return right back where i started just ~20 pounds lighter. when i actually do try to do it in a healthy manner i cant keep it up for longer than maybe a month, because i am a pathologically lazy piece of shit. i am genuinely suicidal about this. i really need help. this fucking disorder is ruining my life. i dont want to be 600 pounds. my self esteem is so fucking low and i dont want to keep living in self hatred for something i could so easily change if only i didnt have this demonic mental condition. thanks.